Six Resilience Skills to Make It Through Dicey Spots

When was the last time you discovered that you didn’t measure up to someone else’s expectations? The message may have come from a boss, co-worker, colleague, client, family member, or friend. Do you remember the feeling? It might have been a visceral, sinking feeling in your gut or some other physical sensation that comes when your confidence takes a plunge.

I went through this tough experience with a coaching client recently. Initially, he was knocked off-track and didn’t know what to do to regain his confidence. Like a car hitting an icy patch of road, he was swerving uncontrollably. Eventually, he was able to gain control of his internal steering wheel again. Now that he’s beyond the rough patch, he can look back at the resiliency skills he developed along the way. We used the following six strategies to bring him relief, as well as personal growth. 

Let yourself feel whatever you’re feeling. 

If you think that by not acknowledging negative feelings, you’ll make them disappear, you would be wrong. The opposite is true. The way to allow those unpleasant feelings to dissipate is by allowing yourself to fully experience them. This is not fun. I get it. However, according to Harvard brain scientist Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor, 90 seconds is all it takes to identify an emotion and allow it to dissipate while you simply notice it.

To help yourself in this process, you can write, talk with a friend, or close your eyes, go inside your body, and pay close attention to what you’re feeling emotionally and physically. Remind yourself that the feeling will pass.

Give yourself a good dose of self-compassion.

Processing feelings when you’re in this emotionally triggered state of mind is not easy; however, sticking with it will be worth it in the end. 

Dr. Kristin Neff, self-compassion researcher, shares this as part of her self-compassion definition: Instead of mercilessly judging and criticizing yourself for various inadequacies or shortcomings, self-compassion means you are kind and understanding when confronted with personal failings—after all, who ever said you were supposed to be perfect?

Don’t take it personally.

Author Don Miguel Ruiz shares in The Four Agreements: If I see you on the street and I say, “Hey, you are so stupid,” without knowing you, it’s not about you; it’s about me. If you take it personally, then perhaps you believe you are stupid. Maybe you think to yourself, “How does he know? Is he clairvoyant, or can everybody see how stupid I am?”

That scenario may sound ridiculous as you read it, but have you heard a similar dialogue inside your head? 

Thinking about the scenario in third person is one method for moving away from taking it personally. For example, instead of saying, I messed up the presentation, you could say Jane didn’t bring her A-game to that presentation. This gives you a more objective, observer’s viewpoint that is not as emotionally tangled up in the situation. 

Notice the story you’re repeatedly telling yourself.

If you’re stuck in a never-ending story loop, try asking yourself these questions: What evidence do I have? Is it true? What are some other possibilities?

Look for the kernel of truth.

Scour the situation that’s thrown you off-track and look for a small bit of it that’s true or that you sincerely want to learn from. Use this insight to decide what you want to improve and how you will do it.

Choose a growth-mindset.

You have the power to choose the perspective you want to take on the situation and decide what you want to do moving forward. These wise words from Wayne Dyer come to mind: Change the way you look at things and the things you look at change. That seemingly simple shift is powerful! 

You get to choose your mindset. A fixed mindset means you believe your qualities (i.e., intelligence and talent) are fixed. A growth mindset means you believe that those qualities are just the starting point.

Picture your brain forming new connections as you meet the challenge and learn. Keep on going. Carol Dweck

These strategies don’t have an exact order. Use any or all of them when (not if!) you hit a dicey patch in the road. Growing your resilience skills isn’t enjoyable and yet, future you says, Thank you, because the next time you need them, it will be a wee bit easier to get your confidence back. Do you have a hot tip that I didn’t share? I’d love to hear it! Jalene@JaleneCase.com

Nine Strategies for Being the Leader of You

Being a good leader of others starts with leading ourselves and yet, it’s still not a commonly discussed topic. If we use the same definition as leadership but flip it to self, this is what it looks like: Self-leadership is influencing yourself to believe in a vision while creating a sense of purpose and direction for yourself. 

In a quest to help my clients (and myself!) be better self-leaders, I created the Self-Leadership Map with nine strategies. In this culmination of a nine-post series, you get to pull together what you’ve learned about yourself. If you want to read or reread the previous eight posts, they’re all together on the Self-Leadership Map web page. Even if you haven’t read all the blog posts, you’ll find the essence of the Self-Leadership Map below or download a free worksheet version. You can use this to support yourself in staying focused on what matters most.

Touchstone Foundation 

These touchstones will repeatedly keep you grounded and inspired.

• Annual Theme: What is my focus for the year? Write a word, phrase, or sentence.

• Core Values: Who am I when I’m at my best? What influences hard decisions? Write 2-5 values.

• Purpose/Why: What is the belief or cause that drives me? Write a phrase or sentence.

• Love Notes to Self: What will I remind myself of when times get rough? Write 2-5 words, phrases, or sentences.

Wholehearted Being

This is fuel for your motivation. Self-care and awareness produce energy to keep moving forward.

• How will I take care of myself? Write 1-3 for each area.

  • Intellectually

  • Physically

  • Emotionally

  • Spiritually

• Which character traits describe how I want to show up at my best at work? Write 1-5 words.

• Which character traits describe how I want to show up at my best at home? Write 1-5 words

Near & Far Vision

Envision what you truly want in the near-term and long-term.

• What do you want? (Use the time periods of 30 days, 90 days, 12 months, 5 years, 10 years.)

Decisive Goals

Choosing a limited number of goals will provide focus.

• What will I do to achieve my vision? (Use the time periods of 30 days, 90 days, 12 months, 5 years, 10 years.)

Consistent Action

Tenacious tiny steps are what leads to accomplishing big goals. 

• What practices or habits will I do to support myself so I will reach my vision? Write 1-3 for each period: daily, weekly, monthly, quarterly, annually.

Energizing Support

Connecting with people who support you can bring resources, collaborations, joy, and more

• Who supports me in the following areas?

  • Tackle problems & challenges

  • Understand business & people

  • Colleagues

  • Core work and/or hired team

  • Which groups do I want to join and be actively involved in?

  • How will I remind myself to reach out when I want and/or need help?

Pesky Obstacles

Notice what’s getting in your way. For example, physical space (external) or negative self-talk (internal).

• What is getting in my way externally? Write as many as you want.

• What is getting in my way internally? Write as many as you want.

• How might I mitigate or eliminate these obstacles? Write 1-3 strategies.

Appreciative Celebration

When we celebrate, it teaches our brain to do more of what we’re celebrating.

• How might I celebrate my small and big accomplishments? Write 1-3 strategies.

Sustainable Ecosystem

Think of the previous eight areas as living, breathing, evolving parts of your self-leadership ecosystem. Reflect on what’s most useful for you at this stage of your life. Consider where you want to keep this information, how you want to update it, and what will support you best to stay on track.

• What will your system look like? Consider these areas:

  • Where will I keep the information from this map? For example: print, post on the wall, digitally, or separate out the elements and keep in different places. There are no rules so do what works best for you.

  • How often will I engage with these self-leadership elements? For example: read everything weekly or monthly, and update some of the sections on a regular basis.

• Example of a Sustainable Ecosystem:

  • Daily: Use software to track baby steps toward goals & visions.

  • Weekly: Focus on completing 30-day goals.

  • Monthly: Read the whole map to reconnect with my foundation and vision, update areas as needed, celebrate achievements with accountability partner or coach.

This is the most important part of the entire process. Create a system for leading yourself that works for you. There are no rules! Be creative. Be innovative. Be structured or be wild. Above all…first, be the leader of you!

Learn more about all nine self-leadership strategies + download a Self-Leadership Map as a fillable PDF so you can use this valuable tool well into the future.

I’d love to hear at least one strategy that works best for you. Send me an email.

Seven Ways to Remove Obstacles

You can have well-planned, daring, or exciting goals and still get knocked off track. In fact, I can pretty much guarantee it. When obstacles sneak in, you might feel confused, frustrated, deflated, or mad. Fear not! Pulling together a mixture of tools, strategies, and awareness can help you get past those obstacles so you can do what matters most.

In my experience as an executive coach, stumbling blocks show up primarily in three different ways: 

1. You know you’re stuck and know why but can’t seem to fix it. 

2. You know you’re stuck and have no clue as to why. 

3. You don’t know you’re stuck but know something is amiss. 

You’ve probably felt all of these at some point. I sure have. The difference for me now is that I’m more aware of how I feel when I sense a block in front of me (visible or invisible), more willing to see what’s really in my way, and have more tools to help myself. 

There are two different ways to think of obstacles. Internal: getting in our own way. External: something or someone on the outside getting in our way. Here are four tips for removing the obstructions in your way.

Internal Obstacles

What’s going on inside you can control what happens on the outside. The main culprit is your saboteur voice. This internal voice may be the most dominant, invisible obstacle of all!

I like this definition of saboteur from Positive Intelligence, “Saboteurs are the voices in your head that generate negative emotions in the way you handle life’s everyday challenges. They represent automated patterns in your mind for how to think, feel, and respond. They cause all of your stress, anxiety, self-doubt, frustration, restlessness, and unhappiness. They sabotage your performance, wellbeing, and relationships.”

Your internal saboteur lives to construct obstacles! Here are three ways to deal with that mean inner voice from the book Taming Your Gremlin. 

• Simply notice. These phrases can indicate the saboteur voice is at work: you can’t, you’re not enough, you shouldn’t. When you hear these, simply notice. Don’t argue with it. Don’t negotiate with it. Simply notice. This improves your self-awareness and even though it’s happening on the inside, this skill makes a big difference in what happens on the outside.

• Play with options. “Play” is the operative word here. When you’re playful and curious, your saboteur voice goes into hiding. It likes you to be serious as a heart attack and scared.

• Be in process. This will take hiring someone like a coach or counselor depending on the topic. A professional can take you deeper to get at root causes.

External Obstacles

What’s on the outside of you that might be blocking you? Here are some areas to explore. 

Knowledge

You might want to take on a new project and berate yourself for procrastinating when really, a crucial piece of knowledge may be the missing link between you and your goal or dream. Do you need to learn something new or reach out to someone who’s an expert to get rid of an obstacle? 

Environment

Look around you. Is there something that’s bothering you? For me, this is often clutter. When my space is messier than normal, my mind is more chaotic. When I’ve saved too many documents on the desktop rather than building a good filing system for them, I get frustrated when I can’t find things. These seemingly small bumps in the road can be blocks.

Action

Think about your habits, systems, patterns, the action you’re taking, etc. What are you doing that no longer serves you or is tripping you up? Consider letting that go and replacing it with a new action that will move you toward your vision. For example, I’ve had clients who didn’t have a system for setting and tracking their goals. By designing a system that works for them, they knock down obstacles and achieve more meaningful goals.

Think about an area you feel stuck and then, think of one tiny habit that will get you moving in the direction you want to go. In the book Atomic Habits, James Clear shares a story about a man who wanted to exercise. The first habit he developed was going to the gym for five minutes. After he became a person who goes to the gym, he started adding time in small increments. I love this because even taking baby steps in the direction you want to go sparks momentum.

Obstacles happen. Don’t let them stop you from reaching your well-planned, daring, or exciting goals! You can get past what’s blocking you. Start with some of these tips and add some of your own to build strategies that work best for you. I’d love to hear what you do when obstacles pop-up! Send me an email to Jalene@JaleneCase.com.

Note: This is part seven in a series of nine blog posts exploring a blueprint for self-leadership. You can read the previous post here.

How Are You Showing Up?

“Eighty percent of success is showing up.” You’ve no doubt heard this popular quote by Woody Allen. But I would add that how you show up matters. Your interactions with others, and even with yourself, can shift from ineffectively blah to purposefully engaged when you’re thoughtful about how you show up. It’s palpable to everyone in the room. 

My first coach taught me this strategy for getting the results I wanted from meetings. In addition to setting a clear agenda, she suggested asking, “Who do I want to be?” Think of this as defining how you want to show up, the energy you want bring to the space, the character traits that you want others to see and feel from you. I’ve taught this to many clients over the years, and they’re always surprised by the impact of this seemingly simply preparation step. 

Now I use this technique before all my meetings or high-stakes discussions. Here’s what it looks like in action. I plan as much as possible before the interaction and then I ask myself, “Who do I want to be?” Some of the words that come up, depending on the situation, might be bold, courageous, intuitive, curious, open, inquisitive, a good listener, or authentically me. Just before the meeting, I remind myself of a few key words. Intentionally setting the atmosphere in advance influences how I speak, interact, and listen. 

Here’s the caveat: Tuning into who you want to be requires your cup to be full. To fill your cup means to replenish your mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical energy. It means that you need to refill your energy stores so that you have enough for yourself, as well as enough to share with others. You might be able to power through getting tasks done, but when your energy is sapped, it takes a lot of extra umph to fake who you’re being. That’s not enjoyable or productive for you or the other person!

In a Harvard Business Review article, Alyssa F. Westring wrote, “Ample research has shown that nurturing our brains, bodies, and spirits can help us be more effective at whatever we put our minds to.” She goes on to share that to start figuring out how to nourish yourself, you can pay attention to when you feel invigorated and when you feel drained. For example, notice when you feel energized, excited, joyful, focused, or peaceful. These are indicators that your cup is full. Conversely, notice when you feel overwhelmed, anxious, or depleted. Look for patterns. Get curious. Experiment. Observe what works and doesn’t work for you at this point in your life. It’s possible that what recharged you in the past doesn’t anymore, so keep a look out for outdated habits.

Consider building faithful habits to recharge your energy in these four areas: mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual. James Clear, author of Atomic Habits, says that in order to create a new habit, it needs to be obvious, attractive, easy, and satisfying. 

Start by declaring one thing you’ll do in each of the areas above. For example, feed yourself:

• Mentally by reading to learn for 5-30 minutes a day, five days a week.

• Emotionally by journaling every morning, starting with 3-5 things for which you’re grateful.

• Physically by doing 30 minutes of exercise a day, five days a week.

• Spiritually by listening to a guided meditation daily for 10-30 minutes.

As with any new habit, start with one and start super-small. Give yourself full permission to expand what’s working and let go of what’s not working.

How you feel is only part of the equation. The other part is the people around you. Once you’re aware of whether you’re feeling vibrant or drained, observe the people around you. Internally ask yourself questions such as, How is she responding? How is she showing up? What has changed, or not, about our interaction? In other words, be aware of how who-you’re-being effects other people. 

I think of this process of choosing who I want to be (aka how I want to show up) as wholehearted being. Dictionary.com defines wholehearted as, “Fully or completely sincere, enthusiastic, energetic, hearty, earnest.” Consider defining who you want to be at work, at home, and in that next meeting. I’d love to hear your experience as you focus on who-you’re-being. Send me a note to Jalene@JaleneCase.com.

Note: This is part four in a series of nine blog posts exploring a blueprint for self leadership. You can read the previous post here.

Self Care Shine

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Why oh why do we think it’s selfish to take superb care of ourselves? I don’t think that…anymore.

This is one of the many inner changes that came from traveling on a motorcycle for 23 months. (More on that here if you haven’t heard the story.)

I make way less money now than I’ve made in decades and yet, I spend more on self care than I ever have. Crazy, right?

As we prepared to return from our travels in South America last year, I remember thinking to myself, “I wonder what would happen if I committed to taking awesome care of myself for a year?” I daydreamed of joining a yoga studio, getting back into running, getting regular massages, eating well, and not overloading my plate with “to dos.” It hasn’t turned out exactly as I had envisioned, but it looks pretty close and the results, almost a year later, have been shocking. Here are a few:

• On the inside, it feels like I’m on my own side.

• I trust myself more often to do what I say I'm going to do for myself.

• I do my best to tend my energy rather than spend it until it’s over spent.

• None of that familiar whine, “I’m soooo tired.”

• I feel good in my body, stand taller, thrill in nudging myself further in yoga.

Now I think of self care as the special sauce for success!

I’m not preaching; I’m learning right along with you. Of course I’m not perfect at this, that’s not the aim. I’m with myself for the rest of my life so it just makes good sense to take care of myself. Why oh why is that such a whacky concept for us to get our heads around? Now it’s your turn…

What do you do for basic self-care?

Now kick it up a notch. What does superb self-care look like for you?

I double-dare you to try it for 3 months, 6 months, or a year!

In the spirit of knowing ourselves,

Jalene

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I help individuals make the jump from wishing to doing, and professional teams transform from awkward tension to potent interaction.

Here are 2 offerings for you. Give yourself the precious gift of time to learn more about who you are now and what's most important to you.

Women's Symposium located in Lincoln City, OR on June 23rd.

Befriend your Creative Self located at the Sitka Center for Art and Ecology near Lincoln City, OR on August 12th.

Explore all the details and, as always, you're welcome to contact me with your questions.